Running from Reality

The recent events in my life have totally made me realize.
That happiness is but a mask that hides all the miserable things in life.
Once that mask is taken off.
The truth will break your very spirit.
You can keep trying to get up.
Only to find yourself falling back down again.
And each time you fall.
You will have a sense of regret and pain that will come together and crush you one day.

My happiness started breaking that day.
When the mask was taken off.
I found out some truths.
It was very painful.
I then knew how it feels to hear about your flaws everyday from everyone.
But never anything good from anyone.
Even 'you' always hit me with comments.
Do 'you' know how it feels?

Ever since that day.
I've begun to lose a lot.
I may have been rash at proving my point.
But have 'you' ever thought about what I said?
All 'you' ever think about is how wrong I am and how great 'you' are.
'You' are doing what 'you' said not to do.
If 'you' have something against me.
Just say it out.
But too bad.
Instead 'you' group together to kill me slowly.
I'm human too.
I'm just like 'you'.
So why am I treated like I am not part of it?

I'm so lost right now.
My sense of direction of what path I need to walk is gone.
The confidence I once have is now gone.
In my mind now.
Every sentence, every word I say.
Has to be thought through carefully before saying.
Every action, every decision.
Everything I do now will have second thoughts.
My reaction time has slowed down greatly.
I'm now useless at what I do.
All I can do now is act as if everything is all right.
As to not jeopardize others.

I've seen your attitude to me nowadays.
It has changed a lot since last time.
You direct everything at me.
Like I have hurt you in some way that cannot be forgiven.
It looks like I need to apologize.
But what can I apologize for when I don't even know what I did wrong?
Am I nothing but just trash in your eyes?

I've held and held and held.
I've seen improvement in some.
I've been changing myself.
But I'm still trash in your eyes aren't I?
I've done nothing but try to satisfy you.
I'm fed up.
If I have to be trash.
So be it.
I've been wanting to tell you off.
But I haven't.
Why?
Just so you can keep your face.
Your pride.

I can destroy 'you' now if I want.
I would open the doors to a world of nightmares.
It would kill 'you'.



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A thousand is a lot isn't it?
A thousand pens, a thousand feathers.
Now how about a thousand bucks?
That's a lot isn't it.
Now how long does it take for a student to save a thousand?
It takes quite a long time of not eating a full meal and saving the money.
So how does it feel to let it get ripped out of your hands just because you have a conscience?
I felt guilty if I did not giving it up.
But I feel so pain to let it all be gone just like that.
It hurts to see you like that.
I wish I could see you like you once were.
Tough, energetic, proud.
Not sickly and weak.
You are the one I grew up looking up to.
So please.
Don't let me down.